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On "The End & The Beginning of Britney Spears"

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This entry was posted on 9/11/2007 4:36 PM and is filed under Pop Culture, Humor.

Well, as much as I resisted, I have to chime in on the recent Britney Spears 'performance' at the MTV Video Music Awards. I've already commented on the poor marketing of the performance over at my other, more professional home, but here I can really go to town...and maybe offer the Brit some hope.

Let's get this out of the way: I'm a pretty harsh judge of Spears. I've already questioned the wisdom of allowing her to sign 'singer' to her tax return without the ability to eek out a single note in a live setting, and while I grant her the ability to dance (or at the very least, she used to be able to,) she rarely achieves transcendence through movement, like her forebearers Paula Abdul, and especially, Madonna. For this performance to mark her big 'comeback,' Spears was going to have to dance like nobody's business. And if she really wanted to drop the audience dead...she'd have fucking sung: a new experience for us and her...all at the same time!

I entirely did not expect Spears to do either...I fully anticipated some form of train-wreck here. Indeed, I'd imagine MTV expected some form of disaster...but, as mentioned in the other blog...disasters can be quite amusing, but when they're boring?

Congrats, Brit. You're done.

Don't get me wrong: Spears has tons of opportunity to pursue the Hilton version of celebrity she's been playing with for the past few years, but her days of relevance in the pop music industry are over. It's now time to move on to your next phase.

I vote porn.

I'm serious. Spears has played with the sexual card since her teens, and now it's time to come fully to the table and really get in the game. Think about it: we've already seen her pussy, and we know it can take Federline, Timberlake, two births and countless producers and agents. I'm sure she can go 'ass to ass' with a double-sided dildo for cash.

Some would wonder whether this act would make Britney a bad mother...ummmm, congrats. We're already there. She had two kids before she turned 25 with her backup dancer. We've all seen the coverage...Spears ain't gonna be mother of the year...

...but again, she could be 'child support check writer of the year,' and just leave the kids to better hands. And she could get back to what she does best: entertaining us.

With porn.

Mind you, I've read Jenna Jamison's brilliant book. Porn is hard work (heh.) Spears will have learn the positions and really hit the gym each and every day. But...she could relocated to Vegas (her favorite place in the whole wide world.) She could do all the drugs she wants. And most importantly, she wouldn't have to sing a fucking note, beyond a well timed moan or two.

Kind of gives her plea to 'hit me baby one more time' a whole new meaning. Or maybe the same damn old meaning.

And that's kind of why I think porn is right for Britney. More than that, despite the half-assed jokes about it, Britney Spears taking the adult movie industry by storm would indeed be a shock. A mainstream pop star becomes a porn actress. It would be news for years, especially if she was successful. 

Plus, we'd be paying attention to her for her product again, as oppossed to (or at the same time as) her life.

The other side of the Spears story, should she do what I expect and not take the porn route...is many, many bad projects. Informercials. Bad reality television. Whatever the future version of 'Hollywood Squares' is going to be. More yawns for the has-been.

So, c'mon Brit! Show Sarah Silverman that you're not going to peak at 25! Take the punchline that is your life and sock it to 'em all. And get ready for ride that 12-inch cock into your new beginning.

 
 

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