On “Not Being Gay But Finding Yourself In The Men’s Room.”
This entry was posted on 9/6/2007 10:10 AM and is filed under Homosexuality, Prejudice, Politics, Law.
I have to say, I love the Senator Larry Craig debacle…all of it.
For me, at least, this trumps all of the other recent Gay Republicans™ storylines, like Rev. Haggart and his escort-n-meth addiction, the Columbia student/soldier/former porn star, Mark Foley of the pages penises…and Jeff Gannon the escort. In the first place, Craig is the most politically important of the bunch, and was a far-right-wing Senator. He also supported the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the armed forces (perhaps hoping that would extend to the Congress,) and he had the nerve to say this: “I am not gay.”
This is frankly why the Craig drama just tickles me more than the rest. Gannon and Majors (that’s his porn name!) were in the sex trade, and while you kind of have to be a little gay to fuck another guy, they are, at the very least, living up to that old Republican ideal (anything for a buck.) Haggart’s was/is a Man of God, he’s basically supposed to be gay at this point (why isn’t he a Catholic?) Plus, he already believes that a little imaginary man in the sky is controlling the universe, so he’s clearly a delusional nutcase. And Foley basically never said he wasn’t gay…and who doesn’t want a little intern ass now and again? But Craig?
“I am not gay.”
OK, let me clear this up for all of you out there: if you're a man who likes having sex with men, you’re gay. Period. Now, you may not want to go to the parade or the next Madonna concert, but if another dude sucks you off, or if you suck another dude off…that’s pretty gay. And so are you.
Even you, Craig.
However, this story doesn’t take off into the stratosphere until you add the quarter-decade history of public, bathroom ‘not gay’ sex into the mix. Let’s break it down: for 25 years, Craig has been going into truck stops and restrooms to grope and be groped, suck and be sucked…and engage in all kinds of homosexual activity…but he’s not gay.
According to his children, he was “just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” as if that just erases reality all of a sudden. For the vast majority of men using public washroom facilities, the time is ‘when I have to pee or poop,” and the place is “first available bathroom.” In general, that’s a kind of private activity…you do your business and go on with your life. No hand-signals required. So…if Craig was there to urinate or defecate, he picked the right place. If his intestines were bursting with lunch, he found it just in time. And if his foot-tapping and finger-wagging signals are any indication, he picked the right place for that other form of prostate relief. Any way you slice it, Craig was in the right place at the right time…to shit or sex it up.
To put it another way, if I go to a crack house in Crack Town to buy crack, I've found the place. If they have crack, I picked the correct time. The only way this would somehow be the wrong place would be if the cops showed up to bust us...
...oh, wait. I understand!
I also love how the kids were also on the ‘Dad’s not gay’ bandwagon. They apparently had a long conversation with him, where they asked him exactly what happened, and now they’re sure of Dad’s innocence. This just cracks my ass UP! Partially because these kids seem to live in an alternative reality from mine, where its pretty common knowledge that public restrooms and truck stops are locales where non-gay men can meet other non-gay men to have very gay, very public sex. It entirely reminds me of hearing my aunt’s 85th husband express shock at the Catholic Priestly altar boy abuse scandal a few years back.
“Who would have thought?” Uhhhh….everybody?
But the real reason the Craig offspring side of the story gives me the giggles is the long conversation where they asked dear old Dad exactly what happened. That’s just damn funny. If only I were a fly on the wall that evening (no doubt stuck in semen flung around post-coital.) “So Dad, tell us why you were in a men’s bathroom…and what was going on in there?” Apparently the red states are much more open about this stuff than I thought, because I just can’t fathom talking to my parents about their sex lives…let alone their clandestine encounters in the bushes! “Well, son…you see…Dad has needs…” I would be running for the fucking hills at that point! Don’t get me wrong: I’ll totally talk with my siblings, my friends, and even strangers on the street about sex…but not your parents! And especially not when it’s about their sex life! And not when they’re 406 years old!
Anyway…since the Craig kids have determined their father’s heterosexuality for the rest of us, perhaps you’re wondering why this is such a story. Well, it kind of has to do with Craig having a negative image of the out-and-proud gay man as being ‘less’ than the straight. Less masculine. Less strong. Less brave.
And that’s just wrong.
It takes great strength to be out and proud and gay. To accept that a group of idiots will simply hate (and perhaps try and kill you) for your sexuality. It takes a real man to take stock of one’s own life and lead it as he sees fit. And it takes great bravery to go forward with your head held high.
Craig was none of these things. He took the easy way ‘in.’
And in my opinion, he’s right. He’s not gay.
He’s a faggot.
For me, at least, this trumps all of the other recent Gay Republicans™ storylines, like Rev. Haggart and his escort-n-meth addiction, the Columbia student/soldier/former porn star, Mark Foley of the pages penises…and Jeff Gannon the escort. In the first place, Craig is the most politically important of the bunch, and was a far-right-wing Senator. He also supported the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the armed forces (perhaps hoping that would extend to the Congress,) and he had the nerve to say this: “I am not gay.”
This is frankly why the Craig drama just tickles me more than the rest. Gannon and Majors (that’s his porn name!) were in the sex trade, and while you kind of have to be a little gay to fuck another guy, they are, at the very least, living up to that old Republican ideal (anything for a buck.) Haggart’s was/is a Man of God, he’s basically supposed to be gay at this point (why isn’t he a Catholic?) Plus, he already believes that a little imaginary man in the sky is controlling the universe, so he’s clearly a delusional nutcase. And Foley basically never said he wasn’t gay…and who doesn’t want a little intern ass now and again? But Craig?
“I am not gay.”
OK, let me clear this up for all of you out there: if you're a man who likes having sex with men, you’re gay. Period. Now, you may not want to go to the parade or the next Madonna concert, but if another dude sucks you off, or if you suck another dude off…that’s pretty gay. And so are you.
Even you, Craig.
However, this story doesn’t take off into the stratosphere until you add the quarter-decade history of public, bathroom ‘not gay’ sex into the mix. Let’s break it down: for 25 years, Craig has been going into truck stops and restrooms to grope and be groped, suck and be sucked…and engage in all kinds of homosexual activity…but he’s not gay.
According to his children, he was “just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” as if that just erases reality all of a sudden. For the vast majority of men using public washroom facilities, the time is ‘when I have to pee or poop,” and the place is “first available bathroom.” In general, that’s a kind of private activity…you do your business and go on with your life. No hand-signals required. So…if Craig was there to urinate or defecate, he picked the right place. If his intestines were bursting with lunch, he found it just in time. And if his foot-tapping and finger-wagging signals are any indication, he picked the right place for that other form of prostate relief. Any way you slice it, Craig was in the right place at the right time…to shit or sex it up.
To put it another way, if I go to a crack house in Crack Town to buy crack, I've found the place. If they have crack, I picked the correct time. The only way this would somehow be the wrong place would be if the cops showed up to bust us...
...oh, wait. I understand!
I also love how the kids were also on the ‘Dad’s not gay’ bandwagon. They apparently had a long conversation with him, where they asked him exactly what happened, and now they’re sure of Dad’s innocence. This just cracks my ass UP! Partially because these kids seem to live in an alternative reality from mine, where its pretty common knowledge that public restrooms and truck stops are locales where non-gay men can meet other non-gay men to have very gay, very public sex. It entirely reminds me of hearing my aunt’s 85th husband express shock at the Catholic Priestly altar boy abuse scandal a few years back.
“Who would have thought?” Uhhhh….everybody?
But the real reason the Craig offspring side of the story gives me the giggles is the long conversation where they asked dear old Dad exactly what happened. That’s just damn funny. If only I were a fly on the wall that evening (no doubt stuck in semen flung around post-coital.) “So Dad, tell us why you were in a men’s bathroom…and what was going on in there?” Apparently the red states are much more open about this stuff than I thought, because I just can’t fathom talking to my parents about their sex lives…let alone their clandestine encounters in the bushes! “Well, son…you see…Dad has needs…” I would be running for the fucking hills at that point! Don’t get me wrong: I’ll totally talk with my siblings, my friends, and even strangers on the street about sex…but not your parents! And especially not when it’s about their sex life! And not when they’re 406 years old!
Anyway…since the Craig kids have determined their father’s heterosexuality for the rest of us, perhaps you’re wondering why this is such a story. Well, it kind of has to do with Craig having a negative image of the out-and-proud gay man as being ‘less’ than the straight. Less masculine. Less strong. Less brave.
And that’s just wrong.
It takes great strength to be out and proud and gay. To accept that a group of idiots will simply hate (and perhaps try and kill you) for your sexuality. It takes a real man to take stock of one’s own life and lead it as he sees fit. And it takes great bravery to go forward with your head held high.
Craig was none of these things. He took the easy way ‘in.’
And in my opinion, he’s right. He’s not gay.
He’s a faggot.
Comments
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9/7/2007 10:48 AM
Kristie wrote:
Interesting points you make.
However, may I remind you, you sent this to a Catholic Republican....thankfully a liberal one in both cases (if there is such a thing)...and may I also remind you of a slight Democratic smear on society (since you got your fair share of political slams in above)....”I did not have sexual relations with that woman”. I guess people in politics, whether 'red' or 'blue', have a very loose way of defining things, eh???
Reply to this-
9/7/2007 12:04 PM
Aaron wrote:
Fair enough, except that the Democrats are already the party of 'who cares what you do in the bedroom,' no?
The irony regarding the very-right-wing Republicans caught with their pants down and slurping on a penis is speifically the hypocrisy of the policy over the private practice. For example, the Catholic church's priest posse has been molesting altar boys for centuries, and yet, they are staunchly anti-gay. Craig called Clinton a 'bad, bad boy. A dirty boy' during Monicagate, and yet...has a 25 year history of public bathroom sex!!!
To put it another way: Clinton may be a slut, and he may have lied about diddling Lewinskank, but he's a Democrat, remember? He's supposed to be in the lassex faire camp regarding sex morality. And at least he did it in the privacy of the damn White House, instead of a public restroom!
Craig is in the Republican camp, and...at present, those puppies are quite Puritan in their rhetoric and policy...and yet...in private life? Dirty gay whores!
Can I tell you...if the Republicans would just start being Republicans again (namely, less taxes, more personal responsibility [and choice,] and less government interference,) I'd totally sign up. I'm seriously not against the 'traditional' brand of conservatism, and Goldwater is something of a hero of mine...
...but the current crop...the current generation of Republicans has dangerously intertwined themselves with the religious right...in effect becoming right-wing liberals, masquerading as conservatives and shattering the very logic that conservatism stands for.
I also think there's a difference between Clinton, knowingly lying about his tryst with Lewinslut, and Craig...who I firmly believes doesn't think he's gay!
Now, one could make the argument that it's far worse to be in-charge of the lie, rather than delusional about the lie, and that would make for one interesting PBS special.
But I have to say, the Craig-likes-public-gay-sex-but-doesn't-think-he's-gay angle kind of makes this story sickly compelling. The Craig-votes-against-gay-rights-but-has-gay-encounters-in-public makes the story amazingly ironic. And the Craig's-kids-talk-to-Dad-about-gay-public-sex-issues is just fucking funny beyond all hope
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