So…I’ve been in a ‘So Damn Bad It’s Great’ movie kick recently, and no franchise fits the bill quite like “Star Trek.”

To begin with, you have to take a flying leap into unreality to ‘get’ the series, as it’s about as realistic as a unicorn. Here’s what I mean: all sci-fi requires a suspension of disbelief, but good science fiction is somewhat based in reality. ‘Alien,’ while requiring the viewer to accept a battery-acid blooded creature terrorizing the ship, at least feels ‘real,’ with imperfect people, dirty, creaking spaceships, and no access to faster-than-light-speed travel. ‘Blade Runner’ is also a great example of an earth-bound, believable sci-fi yarn. Even ‘2001: A Space Odyssey,’ with it’s hippy-cum-domino monolith at the center, uses very real, very attainable methods to get their astronauts to Jupiter, like ‘aero-braking’ and ‘radiation shielding.’ In short, while the monolith is a bit hard to buy, the rest is decidedly authentic. If and when we go to Jupiter, or the moon, or a space station/hotel, it will look like that (although, sadly, not via ‘Pan-Am.)

Whatever the future looks like…it won’t resemble ‘Star Trek.’ Now, don’t get me wrong…there are some things that ‘Star Trek’ envisioned that have become a practical reality: cell phones and PDA’s are modern-day rip-offs of communicators and tricorders, respectively. The iPhone is nothing more than a souped-up, awesome tricorder. But space travel…like that? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. In no way will the ships of the future always be clean, white and streamlined. In no way will the engines light up and glow red with a circular trippy pattern. And in no way will the dentist’s office look of the interiors be the norm.

Let me give you a prime example of just how retarded assuming Trek-travel will be real-travel. On a typical starship design, the impulse engines (for when you’re just trolling around a solar system,) are two red ports at the back of the saucer section, that glow when fired up. Well…this kind of makes sense…you want to go forward, you create some form of energy burst to propel the ship. And yet, what happens when the captain calls out for ‘”full reverse?” Since there are no impulse engines at the front of the ship to create a backward momentum, does the Enterprise just circle around? And how would they circle around, only having engines at the back-center of the ship? On ‘Star Trek,’ they clearly view those impulse engines as car-like exhaust, and just ‘reverse’ the Enterprise ‘back,’ like it's on space wheels in the universal highway.  I’m calling out the ‘directions’ here, because this whole discussion brings up another issue…is there really a ‘forward’ and a ‘reverse’ in ‘space?’ How about ‘port’ and ‘starboard,’ which are frequently used without ‘up’ or ‘down’ on the Trek scene?

Mind you…this is merely one of the many ways in which ‘Star Trek’ gets possible space travel and life so fundamentally wrong, it’s brilliantly absurd. Like…why are all alien species so damn fluent in English? Why are they all basically human, aside from being whiskery or painted blue? Why do they have a bridge at the top ‘front’ of the starships, with a viewscreen showing what’s going on out ‘front,’ instead of either having a window…or more intelligently, burying the bridge-with-viewscreen in the center of the fucking ship, so you couldn’t get in a few phaser shots so easily?

None of this would be a problem if ‘Trek’ presented itself as a modern-day ‘Flash Gordon,’ as ‘Star Wars’ does. Space-fantasy gets around the issues of reality by…well, using the force. The problem with ‘Star Trek’ is that it really believes (and worse still, its fan base believes) that it’s plausible science fiction! And it is this salient quality that makes all ‘Star Trek’ bad, right from the get-go.

However, only some of the soon-to-be-eleven movies are winners in the ‘So Damn Bad It’s Great’ category. The first, “Star Trek: The Motion Picture,” is just horrible (and proving that Trekkers should not be arbiters of taste, the film is popular enough to warrant a ‘Director’s Cut’ DVD, complete with new effects paired to the same tired and never-ending story. And yeah, I’m a Trekker…I own it.) ‘Star Trek: Generations’ may be one of the worst movies ever made…ever, and they still gave the Next Generation cast another three tries at the box office.

And some of the ‘Trek’ movies are ‘So Damn Good They’re Almost Not Bad.’ When Kirk and Khan faced off in the Mutara Nebula…you really felt the potential of the franchise, the power of the ‘Trek’ at full-frontal force. If you remade ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’ as a naval battle film, it would be just as good (maybe even better.) ‘Star Trek: First Contact’ is also a deeply affecting sci-fantasy action flick, with a powerhouse performance from Patrick Stewart, and some really freaky bad guys in the Borg.

But…two out of ten is a pretty shitty batting average for a franchise. The rest are all bad…but only a few get to the level of ‘So Damn Bad It’s Great.’ In a future blog, I’ll address the mess that is William Shatner’s ‘Star Trek V: The Final Frontier,’ but today, we’re going to examine the final ‘Next Generation’ cast movie, ‘Star Trek: Nemesis.”

The movie begins in the ‘Romulan Senate,’ where a group of Romulans are trying to convince their fellow not-Vulcans to partner with the ‘Reman’ Shinzon. As it happens a lot on ‘Star Trek,’ a bad performer overacts in surround-sound, chewing the scenery as he threatens to send Shinzon back to that ‘black rock’ where he came. This, of course, pisses off the Shinzon-lovers, so one of them leaves the chamber and activates a devices that creates a green light show…and then showers the chamber with green dust. This causes the Senators to turn to dust and disintegrate. Actually, up until this point, ‘Nemesis’ looked like a ‘So Damn Good They’re Almost Not Bad’ movie in the ‘Trek’ canon…

…and then we go to Riker and Troi’s wedding.

Oy.

It’s all downhill from here. Just a warning to all who brave ‘Star Trek: Nemesis’ for it’s camp/unintentional humor qualities…the scene at the beginning pretty much the last time this movie even approaches believability. It just gets suckier and strangely gayer as the movie goes on. So…while it may not be a ‘good’ movie…it’s quite a hoot. And…well, gay.

Just how purple with passion does ‘Nemesis’ get? Consider how Captain Picard toasts Riker, his big, bear of a former first officer, by calling him “my trusted right arm for fifteen years; you have kept my course true and steady.” And that’s not all: Data, the yellow-pancake-makeup wearing android offers his toast, to “ladies, gentlemen and invited trans-gendered species,” before bursting into “Blue Skies,” an Irving Berlin classic from the Great White Way.

Then, after a never-ending shot of the Enterprise in space, we discuss the Betazed version of the wedding, where they are all supposed to be naked. Of course, the big doggie-alien Worf is objecting, but Picard can’t conceal his lust: “Oh, come now…a big, handsome, strapping fellow like you? What can you be afraid of?” Mercifully, we’re spared seeing this ‘Trek’ cast nude, because they pick up a ‘positronic’ transmission on a planet really close to the Romulan Neutral Zone, and since only androids like Data have ‘positronic’ techno-babble associated with them, it HAS to be another android! You’d think this would be EXACTLY the reason to avoid this planet, since the new android may also  sing in a braying, ‘show tunes’ voice as well.

Picard, Data and Woof go down to the surface in a shuttle to investigate. Now, since the shuttle can basically glide along the surface and find the six ‘positronic signatures,’ it makes no sense to have them use a Jeep-Hummer-dune-buggy vehicle (and how very ‘futuristic!’ Not.) The team finds a bunch of different android pieces: an arm, leg, torso, and finally, a head. Lo and behold: it’s looks just like Data, giving Brent Spiner yet another opportunity to show off his many talents: two roles, a song and story credit all in one movie! Is it any wonder why agents aren’t knocking down his door?

Picard, in the film’s most hilarious line, deadpans what we’re all thinking: “this doesn’t feel right,” and indeed, when crater-faced aliens in their own ‘future’ Jeeps chase them down the exotic terrain of Montana…er, ‘Kolaris III,’ you’ll wonder if Stewart is breaking character and realizing just how sucky this movie actually is.

Back on the ‘Prise, they reassemble the android (note the hysterical, clearly-not-Spiner torso and chest shot in Engineering,) who is kind of a slower, more 'Special Olympics' version of Data, called ‘B4,’ a prototype of Data, apparently. Picard notes that Data’s creator seems to have a “penchant for whimsical names,” while we all wonder why the kooky old doc didn’t name him ‘LD.’ Data downloads his ‘matrix’ into ‘B4,’ so that “he can function as a more complete individual,” blah, blah, blah…

Thankfully, we leave the android story because Admiral Janeway (Kate Mulgrew of the recently ended ‘Star Trek: Voyager,’ and this movie makes her series seem like 'The Sopranos' of Trek,) sends the Enterprise on a diplomatic mission to Romulus. The new bad guy, Shinzon wants a diplomatic envoy. And of course, the Enterprise is the closest ship, so…

On Romulus, they meet the people who took over the Empire: bat-like aliens called ‘Remans,’ led by a clone of Picard, Shinzon. So…human, bald and British…but in a kinky, fetish outfit, complete with ball-sucking tight pants and a long cape-dress-cowl thing.

He has this grand entrance in what looks to be a stairwell at the former-church-now-alternative-nighclub entry, and I'm not sure if he's prancing on purpose, or if the beans and frank he's clearly and visibly endowed with are so constrained that this weird walk is all the actor can manage.

Man, he’s really gay…especially when he asks to touch Troi’s hair. (Who does that?)  Just when you think he can’t top his hairdressing tendencies, Shinzon expresses massive man-lust for his ‘daddy,’ by inviting him to dinner, “just the two of us.”

It turns out, Shinzon the clone was intended to replace Picard as a Romulan spy, but since his rapid-aging techno-babble didn’t kick in, he’s dying, and needs to replace all his blood with Picard’s in order to live to be gay another day! In order to relieve the pain and be gay in the present, his Bat-assistant constantly massages his manly chest, or uses the Bat-power of telepathy to mind-rape Troi while she’s having sex with Riker (the intercourse scene nobody ever wanted…is here! And also? Riker is like Scotty in this movie: three-hundred pounds of pure cheese. Wait until his big 'fight' scene, where they cut between fat-ass Frakes and his lithe, athletic stunt double.)

It also turns out that ‘B4’ is programmed by Shinzon and the Bats to send information to their warship. The Enterprise crew replace him with Data, so when Shinzon beams ‘Data-as-B4’ onboard and kidnaps Picard, he has an escape buddy there…and all the wrong information to download! Data, who is apparently now also Vulcan, does the pinch on the guard and gets Picard out. Whew. Didn’t see THAT coming. Shinzon has the guard shot for losing his love. (When Picard asks Shinzon why he took him, he replies with massive horniness: “I was lonely.”) Oh, but I’ve skipped over the Picard and Shinzon dinner, where Shinzon basically ejaculates, calling Picard’s eyes “so confident.”

It ALSO ALSO turns out that Shinzon has a big version of the weapon used at the beginning of the movie, and he’s going to use it to kill all life on Earth! For what reason? Since the movie never offers us a plausible one, or in lieu of that...any fucking reason at all, it’s perhaps because Shinzon is sad that Picard rejects his advances, despite his profession to be ‘merely curious about him?’ It clearly can’t be his desire (expressed in a very ‘Liza-versus-Judy’ moment) as the “victory of the echo over the voice,” since that really makes no sense whatsoever. Perhaps it’s merely to finally get to the big starship battle.

Now, if you’ve made it this far…you’re ready for the best part of the entire movie, where ‘Star Trek,’ with all its bullshit rules about space travel and the rest, throws those rules out the window. Remember my rant about impulse engines and bridge location in the ship? Shinzon blows out the viewscreen in battle, only to have the gaping hole left behind show the exact same scene that was projected on the viewscreen. You almost expect an engineer to walk in and say “man, that’s really stupid. We should move this bridge somewhere else.” Instead, LaForge, he of the former Banana Clip Visor, relocates to the bridge during the battle.

Admittedly, the starship fight scenes are good…especially because they essentially ripped them off from the much better “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.” When the Enterprise runs out of photons and phasers can’t charge, Picard rams the ship into Shinzon’s. This leads to the next ‘who cares about the rules of the Trek game’ moment, as Shinzon fires up his engines, in reverse, complete with exhaust projecting forward while his ship goes backward! This scene is also hysterical because while ‘Star Trek’ has always broken the ‘silence vacuum’ rule with phaser/photon/travel noises…I think seeing and hearing gassy exhaust is a first for the series, as is the tin-foil effect they use to demonstrate the collision itself.

If you can make it until the end, you’re in for a treat, where Picard beams over to Shinzon’s ship, and they have a knife fight in the ‘Thaleron’ radiation chamber. Remember, this enemy vessel is a 'predator,' right? Well, Shinzon’s ship is so advanced, is so well-built, that when Picard loses his weapon and Shinzon, er…charges, he pulls a metal pipe clear out of the wall and impales him. Well, they certainly don’t make spaceships like they used to, eh?

But it’s not over…and we haven’t yet hit the pinnacle of gay in the movie. Shinzon pulls himself down the pipe towards Picard, to strangle/molest him while looking deep into his eyes, admitting that he “always wanted it this way, just the two of us.” He dies with his hands cupping Patrick Stewart’s tight 194-year old pecs.

Now Picard, who beamed over to the ship specifically to shut this weapon down…does nothing. NOTHING! Weapon FX getting more garish? Check. Monotone computer voice counting down to oblivion? Check. Captain springing to action? Eh, not so much. Is he drained? Did he blow his load after making out with Shinzon? Is Patrick Stewart just merely thinking that his film career is over and can’t bear to go on any longer? Shatner would have at least made a sandwich or something.

Lucky for him, Data has come over (in the most loopy, unbelievable space walk you’ve seen imprinted on celluloid,) to rescue him and destroy the weapon in the process. Don’t’ miss Data’s death scene, where the director bathes his yellow faced actor in enough green light to make him look like Kermit the Frog. And yes, he dies…but good thing we have his gimp brother so that Spiner can regale us with his abilities in a future sequel (blessedly, this flick killed more than Data. The Next Generation cast was sent out to pasture…and ‘Star Trek’ the franchise fell into freefall.)

This whole mess can be summed up by Deanna Troi’s earlier line, “It was a violation.”

Indeed, Troi. Indeed.

 

 

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