You know, just the other day, I was flipping through the cable “news” channels and here’s the sound bytes that awaited me:

• Al Gore talking with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC about his new book, “The Assault on Reason.”
• Some monkeys over at FOX News harping endlessly about the “Rosie versus Liz” tiff from ABC’s “The View.”
• And not to be outdone, CNN was running a report on if the Democrats can effectively be “of the people” while partying with the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (complete with ‘nuclear winter’ photo shopped picture of said stars.)

Kind of makes you want to settle in for some Tivo’ed “Star Trek,” eh? The last report really got to me, however. In the first place, I always thought that CNN was the more moderate, corporately-owned news station…and here they are, reporting on something as trivial as “Democrats in Hollywood.” Let’s be clear: I’m pretty certain that neither soon-to-be-prisoner Hilton nor back-in-rehab Lohan are even remotely aware, or even engaged in the political process, so why exactly did CNN pick them as their poster children for liberal Hollywood? Was Ben Affleck not available?

And then it got me thinking…I’ve heard the word “tragic” tossed around, along with the phrase “Paris, Britney and Lindsay.” Yeah, it’s really “tragic” to be a multi-zillionaire before 30 and then get caught getting smashed in your six-figure Hummer. Can we stop using language in a manner that utterly disrespects the language itself? In Lindsay’s case, we have a 20-something year old drinking and driving…in Los Angeles, of all places! Oh, the horror! Are you kidding? Have we all collectively forgotten what being 20-something was like? I did tons of things that I’m not proud of from that period…and the only difference is that “People Magazine” didn’t follow me around documenting my slip and fall into my own puddle of vomit.

But…that’s not what really set me off. The good folks at “People” have to make a living, and if tracking Paris, Britney and Lohan is what pays the bills, then go for it. I write and produce ads, so I don’t really have any room to judge. No, what gets to me is the confluence of the names into a trio, as if Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are even remotely in the same league. They are not. Sure, they may all be drug-addled bulimics who live in Hollywood, but then why not have a laundry list of names, from the cast of “Friends” to Amy Winehouse? Paris Hilton has done nothing, beyond fall out of a Hilton pussy, to earn her fame or wealth. That’s it. Beyond inspiring an generation of idiots to say the phrase “that’s hot,” and exposing all of us to the beauty of shaving your pubic hair off, Paris Hilton hasn’t earned her status as an icon of celebrity. When you celebrate shorn and stupid Paris, you are celebrating unearned fame. Period.

Britney Spears, at the very least, has paid her dues and put in quite a bit of time and energy to become rich and famous. She’s been shaking her butt and lip-syncing since “Star Search.” So, while it really annoys me that she can’t sing a damn note and yet has a singing career, Spears came from nothing and worked hard not to sing live at her concerts. If she wants to shave her head, at least she earned the cash to pay the barber, no? This work ethic, in and of itself, puts Britney in a league far removed from useless Paris… …but she can’t sing. I would go so far as to say that Britney Spears can’t sing a single note without producer wizardry. She’s not even that great of a dancer, especially when compared to her foremothers in the industry: Madonna, Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul (all three poor vocalists…who actually sing badly…LIVE at their concerts, so props to them, I guess.) So Paris does nothing and Britney can’t sing, and yet both are the poster children for modern Hollywood.

Where does that leave Lindsay Lohan? As the true tragic figure here, of course. Like the other two, Lohan has become more known for getting her party on than her entertainment product (and in the case of Hilton, the party IS the product.) And like Spears, Lohan came from typical beginnings and had to work her way to the top of the pop culture heap. But Lindsay Lohan has talent, which makes her unique, both among this trio and absurdly in Hollywood. Her performances are spot-on, from playing Jamie Lee Curtis in “Freaky Friday” to her brilliant turn in “Mean Girls.” If she gets off the sauce, I’m certain that Lindsay Lohan will have a long and prosperous career as an actress ahead of her. To have ability and be lost in depravity is truly tragic, and I hope she cleans herself up and takes her place back at the head of the pack.

And yet…here’s the rub…who fucking cares? Who cares that Lohan is throwing her career away or that Paris is scared of jail? Who cares that Britney is making a comeback at the House of Blues in Orlando (this is a comeback?) The world is heating up, the army is under-funded, and all the damn bees are dying! That’s the real news, not whether or not Britney timed her sync to the dub.

And that’s why everyone should read “The Assault on Reason” by Al Gore. Now, I’m sure many of you will offer up some clever “Al Snore” moniker relating to his dishpan dull persona…but that’s exactly the point he’s trying to make in the book: we focus on the silly stuff and not on what is important. And that’s exactly why we’re in the quagmire in Iraq, saddled with the Bush presidency and not dealing with issues like climate change or the end of cheap oil. I know…it’s really not as interesting as seeing Britney’s bald head or picturing Paris getting finger-fucked in prison (no doubt, on tape.) But the aforementioned issues are more pressing, and we are the only ones who can make certain that they come to the forefront of our public discourse.

Let me ask you a question…what did you do after 9/11? Well, a lot of you went shopping (at the president’s request.) Quite a few of you discovered FOX News and found solace in blind hatred. Many people bought little plastic flags for their car windows.

I read.

Not kidding. I read every book I could possibly find on terrorism, the Middle East, and our involvement in their politics. I read articles online, at the library, at my desk while pretending to work (I used to be employed at the worst ad agency, ever. “The Devil Wears Marshalls.”) That makes me kind of a nerd… …and yet, when Bush “found” a link between bin Laden and Iraq, I knew he was full of shit. Not only because his lips were moving, but because I, as an engaged citizen…well, I engaged!

So I knew that the yellowcake claim was bogus, knew that bin Laden and Saddam hated each other, and knew that we had reduced Iraq to a puppet dictatorship, posing no threat to anyone, anywhere. It was kind of like claiming that Ethiopia was cutting off our food supply.

This is the point Gore is making. Our country is working on one less cylinder because we, the people, just don’t care anymore. We’d rather chase Michael Jackson from Extra to Entertainment Tonight than actually consider paying attention to public policy. And that kind of makes us traitors to our own history. Too many people have fought…and hard, for us to have a free society. We owe it to them, ourselves and the next generation of Americans (who will be much warmer, alas,) to wake the fuck up and forget the Hiltons and Spears of the world. Let Lindsay be merely a good actress, and start paying attention to what matters! We, the people.

Finally, as proof that we, the people aren't worthy and have inherited the democracy we deserve, let me recall a conversation I had a few days ago. I was talking about Gore's book, and the salient points made: most notably that we pay too much attention to the trivial, and not enough to the reality, the important stuff. One of my lunch buddies responded, without irony and loaded with unintentional humor:

"Yeah, but he's gotten really fat, right?"

 

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